Anxiety and Littlespace (Opinion)

I honestly can't recall a time when I wasn't almost crippled with anxiety.

I've experienced it all my life: it's a "pain that I'm used to" as Depeche Mode sings. I'm used to the constant feeling of unease and fear but not knowing what is causing it. I'm used to my stomach somersaulting at 100mph. I'm used to checking something a gazillion times, only to check it once more - just in case. I'm used to having 40 different strategies to manage my anxiety so I can make it to the end of each day.

As far as anxiety goes, I can confidently say that I'm a pro.

But do you know who isn't?

My little.

For anyone who doesn't know me, my little only fully came out of hiding in March 2022 (see, she's proper new and shiny!!) and oh my, was I unprepared for just how anxious she was ... and still is!

My little is hyper-observant and vigilant and an empath, so she notices and feels EVERYTHING: the good, bad and the downright fucking ugly.

When I'm little I worry all the time:

• Have I done or said something wrong?

• Am I too clingy?

• Am I being to loud?

• Am I talking too much? Not enough?

• Is this my fault?

• How can I fix things?

• Was I wrong to say that 3 months ago?

• Why can't I be a better little?

• Why can't I be healthier for Daddy?

When I'm little and feeling particularly anxious I struggle with:

• voicing what is wrong

• making decisions about anything, even what to watch on tv!

• remembering to eat

• remembering to take my medication

• answering the telephone or door

• being outside without Daddy

• bright lights

• loud noises

• any changes to my routine

• not blaming myself for everything.

Sounds fun, right!

My Daddy and I live a 24/7 dynamic, meaning my little has free reign to come out whenever she wishes - AND SHE DOES. ALL THE TIME.

Now, this is wonderful and special and amazing, but it also means that when I'm little, my anxiety is felt more acutely and I often struggle with controlling it. Why? Because my little doesn't respond to my well-used strategies!

So what do I do? How do I help little me when she is feeling anxious?

I've had to do some major soul-searching to figure out what makes my little anxious and why. And much of it stems from my upbringing.

You see, I was never a little girl. Not really.

For reasons I will not disclose, I was forced to adult WAY TOO YOUNG. I was expected to regulate the big, scary emotions of all the big people. There was no safe place for me. So whenever I am little and I feel unsafe in any way, my anxiety becomes unmanageable.

I am super lucky that I have a Daddy who gets it. He understands that his little is a bundle of anxiety and that there are times where only he can help. He understands and accepts that I need consistent communication and to know where he is and when he will be home and for him to let me know if any of this changes. He understands and accepts that there are times where I am unable to leave the house because everything is too loud and bright and my little is scared - these are the times he is happy to stay with me in the dark and hold me and let me feel his skin and whisper to me that I am safe, while he strokes my hair. He understands that I need a Daddy to help me find that safety I crave.

And the safety I crave happens when I am in Littlespace.

For me, it is a space where I feel safe and cherished and loved. It is a space where I am carefree. It is a space where I can colour pictures for Daddy and watch Winnie the Pooh and snuggle my stuffies and be four years old and not have to worry about fixing everyone else's big, gnarly feelings.

It is a space where little me can laugh and cry and scream and shout and NEVER feel like she is in danger.

It is a space where anxiety can't find me.

It is a space where I can finally be free.