Wintering Out - An Anxious Little's Journey out of the Darkness

 "If we winter this out, we can summer anywhere" Seamus Heaney.

Bear with me, this ISN'T about politics or religion!

Seamus Heaney's poetry collection "Wintering Out" is concerned with his struggles around how the politics of 1960s and 70s Northern Ireland influenced and played a part in his writing.  He felt pressure to be a spokesperson for the Catholic minority present and whilst he received much praise for finally addressing more political themes, there were many who felt he could and should have been more overt in tackling the violence and turmoil felt by the people.  And in his next collection "North", he did.

"Wintering Out" for Heaney was a necessary transition period: a period where he finally became more comfortable in expressing his views and showing the world what and who he truly was.

Now, you may be asking..."What the hell is she prattling on about Seamus Heaney and winter and poetry and what the hell has that got to do with being an anxious little?

I'd argue everything.

Heaney wrote about sacred places and transitions and as a highly anxious little, I have had to navigate many transitions and search high and low for a safe place.

Now I've been super vocal in my writings about my little's journey.  I've tried to be honest about why she was shut inside for so long and why it was so difficult to trust Daddy enough to let her out.  For much of my childhood and adult life, my little was chained up inside my darkness, exacerbating my depression and anxiety (I know this NOW but at the time I simply didn't understand why I felt like there was something clawing inside me to get out).  She never saw the light or experienced joy or love.

And like Heaney, when she did eventually break free, we struggled.  For different reasons, but struggled, nonetheless.  We struggled with how anxious she was, having lived in darkness for so long.  We struggled with how she would fit into my very rigid life and routines.  We struggled with my Brat letting Daddy be the protector of our little one.

And there were many dark days...

And there will still be dark days ahead...

My "Wintering Out" is not quite over but it is definitely in the final stretch.  How do I know this?  Because my anxiety is the lowest it has ever been and this helps me claw out of the darkness.  I have been able to embrace my little and see what scares her - what makes her feel so unsafe - and started to find ways to help.  She has a littlespace-corner in the living-room, surrounded by rainbows and glitter lamps and fairy lights and stuffies; she has 40 million colouring books she can use all day to help quiet the monster-goblins in her head; she has little stuffies that go everywhere with us; she has daily rules to follow to ensure better health.

She has a safe place to work through her transition from scared little one to happy and secure little bunny.

Heaney wrote a poem called "Anahorish" - it's a made up word but as a kick-ass poet he can do whatever the fuck he wants - and in it he descries a sacred place for him:

My "place of clear water",

the first hill in the world

where springs washed into

the shiny grass

and darkened cobbles

in the bed of the lane.

Anahorish, soft gradient

of consonant, vowel-meadow,

after-image of lamps

swung through the yards

on winter evenings.

With pails and barrows

those mound-dwellers

go waist-deep in the mist

to break the high ice

at wells and dunghills.

Yes, I know, he's writing about dunghills ... but his sacred place - his "Anahorish" - was the farm he grew up in: it was familiar and well ... safe.  Embracing my little and her anxiety has helped me crawl out of the darkness and begun my regeneration, but having a sacred and safe space - my little space: my "Anahorish" - has allowed me to stay in the light for longer spells and help me to further recuperate and regenerate, refresh and realise how crucial my little is to my mental health.

The more she is out in the world the less anxiety I feel...

the less I need to be "Wintering Out" and the more I can bask in my "Anahorish".