Why Is Loving Others So Easy But It's So Hard To Love Myself? (Opinion)

Acceptance.
Care.
Esteem.
Love.

I am not ashamed to admit that I have these in abundance.  I try to live a life where I encourage, support and love others whenever I can.

And I do this pretty well.

I like to think that I am a very considerate friend and partner: it is genuinely NOT a chore for me to actively listen and encourage my cherished connections.  It is NOT a chore for me to think about ways to show my appreciation and care for them in any way I can.  It is NOT a chore for me to love them.

So why is it such a chore when I apply this to myself?

Self-acceptance.

Self-care.

Self-esteem.

Self-love.

Funny how one simple word can change everything.

Self.

Why is this such a disgusting and dirty word for me?

Why can't I accept and love myself like I do others?

Because in my childhood, any sort of self-care was selfish.

Because in my childhood, self-love was arrogance and you needed taken down a peg or two.

Because in my childhood, self-esteem and self-acceptance simply didn't exist and was actively destroyed by others in the most brutal and vicious of ways:

• I've had all my dollies' hair ripped out and their legs removed so I wouldn't play with them.
• I've had all my clothes thrown out into the wet, muddy back garden because I was tired after studying for an exam and couldn't help with the laundry.
• I was physically assaulted for not washing dishes.
• I've been told I'm fat and lazy constantly because I needed to sleep away my Endometriosis pain.
• I've been beaten for ... existing.

I spent my childhood being a little adult and taking care of the needs of EVERYONE and this left no room for me to take care of myself.  Even now, I will use all my energy (and as a chronically ill person, I don't have much energy now!) to take care of the needs of others; put their needs above mine.

I will always choose them over me.

I will always choose to neglect myself.

Why?

Because this is my comfort zone.  This is my safety: my brain and body knows that particular dance - we've done it for decades so it's easy to remember the steps, even if they are leading you to the destruction of yourself.

So I already know the answer to my opening question.

I have been expertly trained to put the needs of others above my own.

And I feel like I might die when I do not (as was the LITERAL case when I was little).

The solution for me has been to have rules set by my Daddy to help me focus on ... ME.  And it has been the single thing that has helped.  Why? Because the idea of disappointing Daddy is WORSE than me having to make myself a priority.

But what it doesn't do is help me love myself.

And honestly?

I don't know if I ever really will.

But I'd really like to try.