My Invisible Struggles (Opinion)

 I am chronically ill.

I have a cluster-fuck of conditions that mean I am in constant pain.

Every.

Fucking.

Day.

There are days when my Endometriosis and it's accompanying womb gremlims decide to make my abdomen so tight that I feel 9 months pregnant.

There are days when my Fibromyalgia causes my hands to drop everything and makes me walk like a 90 year old whose tummy has been slashed to the spine.

There are days when my Rheumatoid Arthritis makes my fingers nip and burn and I could cry with the pain.

There are days when I can't even pull my own panties up, never mind leave the house.

There are days when my anxiety stops me from answering the phone and I feel like there's a monster inside me, clawing to be released.

There are days when my little craves to be touched but my skin is too painful.

But none of this shows on the outside.

And I've become very fucking good at hiding my pain and suffering because for so long, no one really seemed to give a shit or thought I was making my pain up. Or worse, I was a drug-seeking addict.

But, whilst my pain may be invisible, it's very fucking real.

The thing with invisible struggles and illnesses is that they are very good at isolating you. And I've been isolated for years because of my pain: I've lost friends and family who just believe that I am lazy; I've lost a career I adored and with it, all sense of identity; I even almost lost my husband because I hid my pain, and my little, from him for years. My pain almost destroyed us.

And then I caved and revealed my true pain and the terrified little one I kept locked inside, away from the pain.

And everything changed.

Him becoming my Daddy has been the biggest thing to help my struggles: Daddy's rules help me take care of my health on the days when I can barely get out of bed; my littlespace helps me feel less anxious and eases my pain.

I will never have a day where I am pain free, but now I do have days where the pain is bearable.

And I'll take it!!